Thursday, April 25, 2013

I Was an Emotional Hot Mess


Last week I took an unplanned break from blogging.  Not that this was the first time it has happened but it was the first time it happened for the reason it did.  Normally I just get kind of lazy about it all and don’t take the time to write something up.  Last week was different though; I wasn’t in a good place emotionally and decided I needed to just focus on me.
I know sometimes bloggers only post {or it seems that way} about the good stuff going on in their lives which then paints a pretty picture that their life is perfect.  I’m guilty of it too sometimes I admit.  But I want to share what was going on last week so I have a record of it {should it happen again} and who knows, maybe someone else out there can relate to it.
Whether or not you care to know I am on the pill to regulate my monthly friend.  Before the pill I was irregular, skipping months and never really knowing when I should expect it.  You can imagine this was not something I wanted to deal with in high school, especially when it was softball season.  I also would have really bad lower back pain during my TOM.  Going on the pill was pretty much the best decision for me because it took care of both issues.  I still have some lower back pain but it is nowhere near as bad any more, much more tolerable.
I shared that with you since last week was my TOM.  And it isn’t unusual for me to be a bit more emotional the week leading up to and the week during my TOM.  But last week it felt like it went to a whole new level.  I don’t know if it has anything to do with being on the pill.  I know there are women the pill just doesn’t work for but for me it’s worked fine with no noticeable changes to my moods.  But in the case that this starts happening regularly I would like to be able to track when it’s happening so if it is pill related I can explain it to my doctor.  {See why I wanted to record this?}
Driving to work I listen to my iPod.  I use music to express myself a lot since I find that there is usually a song out there that can explain what I'm thinking/feeling better than I can with my own words.  It isn’t unusual that while listening to music I can feel a change in myself emotionally.  But normally it’s just a little bit.  I guess because I was already feeling a bit down songs were hitting me harder than normal.  I was almost tearing up a couple of times last week during my drive to work.
I also remember having dreams about relationships, some totally fictional {Damon from The Vampire Diaries and I were in one!} and some possible but not likely {A guy in real life and myself.  More on that another time.}  This would set the mood for my drive to work and then the music on top of that just was too much in addition to the 30 minutes of thinking I do while I drive.  Being honest with you all, I’ve been single for 2+ years now and it is starting to get to me.
Then it got pretty bad Saturday night when I went out for a friend’s surprise birthday party.  The story behind the guy that caused my emotional drama deserves a whole post another day but to make a long story short after talking with a friend I realized I need to just pick myself up and leave this guy alone because I’m only dragging myself down by thinking anything will change.  Vague I know, but this is getting long already so I want to wrap things up.  I ended up crying during my drive home.  Over what?  Probably my hurt feelings.  It might seem like that's normal but really I hold myself together pretty well most of the time and I'm not sure that I should have lost it over what happened that night because it wasn't really that bad {in my opinion} and it wasn't unexpected.
I’ve been doing better ever since Saturday night happened.  For the most part I feel better but in looking at how my week has been going I would say I’m still carrying something around. 
I’m staying in bed later than I should every morning because I just don’t want to get up.  Granted some of that comes from the slowness at work which isn’t exactly enjoyable since we aren’t supposed to really do anything to fill the time. 
I’m back to my old horrible habits with Mountain Dew and soda in general. 
I skipped my weigh in yesterday morning because I haven’t been to the gym in I can’t remember how long now.  I just didn't want to stand on the scale and see a gain or no change. 
And I’m stuffing my face with crap.  Today thanks to a meeting at work where sweets were offered I took too much cookie cake, ate more than I should and am now debating whether I should just eat the rest of what is sitting on my desk staring me in the face.  {I ended up eating it.}  I also brought popcorn for lunch.  Not exactly the worst to have but not really the greatest, especially considering my other food choices today. 
I just seem to have given up at the moment.  And I hate that that is how I feel!
What gives?  I feel like I’m split in two right now.  One side of me is screaming for me to just get with the program, pick myself up, dust myself off, and move in the right direction.  The other side of me is pulling me down and begging me to just forget about losing weight or anything else that the other side of me wants to do because it’s easier to just keep doing what I’ve been doing.
Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?  Any tips for how to pull yourself out of whatever it is I am going through?  Words of wisdom?  Whatever you got, I want to hear it!  Please.

3 comments:

  1. Hi friend! I am right there with you! I am in the middle of kind of a mind crisis right now myself. some days are better than others, but everyday I feel overwhelmed. I think one of the only things that helps me is just letting myself chill. Do things that only reflect what you want to do and don't beat yourself up over what you end up choosing. If you eat like crap today, wake up in the morning without feeling guilty, it's a new day! I try and listen to upbeat music or avoid the songs I know send me into sadtown. I see a counsellor and we've talked alot about how important it is for women to take care of ourselves, she gave me the visualization of a bucket and said i need to do something everyday that "fills my bucket" whether it be a manicure, a walk or a chocolate bar. It's been in baby steps but doing small things just for myself has helped! Chin up butter cup :) tomorrow is a new day! glad you posted this, i have a lot of the same feelings!!

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  2. I feel like I wrote this post. Thank you thank you for sharing your feelings. I've been feeling the same way for awhile. As for the TOM stuff, I'm an emotional wreck the week before and during. My fiance tries to stay away. I'm a sensitive person to begin with but for some reason the littlest ting makes me cry. I know there's no reason to cry but I do anyway. My fiance always says "theres no reason to be upset" which makes me more sad (poor guy). Some days I feel energetic enough to do things but other days i jsut wanted to lay in bed or sit on the computer or in front of the TV. Junk food isnt my friend either. I find myself lazy. Something that I dont like to be. I'm a cleaner, OCD freak, planner, organizer and everything in between so you'd like I'd enjoy doing all of that but nope. I still live with my parents so sometimes I'm able to just sit there. I feel what you do though, totally. My head is saying, get up, do homework, be productive but I just cant. Maybe its because you have a little more freedom then when you were going to school? I find myself a little bit better during summer. On the days I dont care, I just let it all go. I feel that as long as its not urgent, things can be done later or the next day. Sometimes we have to spoil ourselves or just let ourselves take a day where we're lazy and thats ok. Your body knows best and if it physically feels like it wants to slow down, then thats maybe what you have to do. It might be boring but spend a few days at home or sitting outside on a sunny day. Nothing wrong with that. Relax, clear your mind and just remember that there's always tomorrow.

    Again, thank you. This is exactly what I've been struggling with for awhile.

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  3. Girlfriend, I feel like this the entire time it's my TOM. The hubs likes to keep his distance because I'm happy one minute, sad the next...there's just no way to tell where I'll be in the next hour haha. Poor dude.

    I havent been on the pill in about 2 years and I miss it. It really helped regulate everything, glad it's helping you out. As far as words of wisdom, all I have to say is be good to yourself during the days when you're feeling low. If you feel like eating a pint of ice cream then go for it, you deserve it and can always work it off later when you're in the mood haha. As for the dude, you deserve a dude that'll give you the world and believe me, he's out there. I use to thing love, the real mushy sweet kind only existed in books but it doesnt. Just be aware that there is the occasional fart included in all that mushiness ;)

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